The Brake Job

My 2002 HONDA CRV made this awful sound (like I was dragging a dead goat or something) as I was pulling into my driveway and into my parking space yesterday.  F*&K! (repeated many times).  This can't be good.

I back out of the carport, drive around the block, testing this new noise to see if it is for REAL.  The sound mysteriously stops.  I pull back into the driveway convinced that it can't possibly be that bad. 

I park and go inside, microwave and eat Thai food from the night before, sit silently for 20 minutes of centering prayer during which I wake to my own snoring twice, and decide I need a nap. 

My nap is not restful.  It's filled with thoughts of my car, my KNOWING I need to get up and take it in to the dealer, and my frustration that I will have to rent a car because I live alone and have no one to pick me up and then drive me to work the next day.

I google the Honda dealer two cities east of Pasadena where I bought it and discover it closes at 6 pm. It is 5:30 so I drive that direction.  I arrive at 5:50.  I ask the Honda service guy to call Enterprise Car Rental before we get started, so I can rent a car.  He does. 

I tell him about the SOUND.  He says I'm due for a major service.  I look at his name on the front of his standard blue work shirt.  Kevin punches numbers into the computer, and the amounts flash quickly:  $98.00, $118.00, $56.00, etc.  I am dizzy trying to add it all up. 

My mind wrestles with "If my rent check doesn't go through before Thursday, I'll be okay." 

On Thursday, my summer savings account matures.  It's not enough to cover my living expenses, so I teach summer school, too.  (Teachers don't get paid during the summer in case you didn't know.  A lot of people think we do, but we don't.) I'm fretting over all of this when Kevin announces, "$501.00, that's the estimate for the major service.  You're at 52,000 miles, so a few major things must be done."

That was yesterday.

I just hung up with Kevin.  The new estimate is $941.00.    Evidently, the SOUND was my brakes, both front and rear, and they are shot! 

How long have I been ignoring this need?  I've needed new brakes for a while according to Kevin. 

And you know what? 

I knew that. 

I  did. 

I heard the whistling sound months ago.  I felt the slipping each time I stopped at a stop sign or red light.

I ignored it. 

I turned up the stereo and blasted the air conditioning.  I didn't want to hear because brakes are expensive, and I'm struggling at the moment.

The English teacher in me FEELS a metaphor in here.

When we approach stop signs and red lights, brakes make it possible for us to STOP.   

In our cars, brakes protect us from hurting ourselves and others.  They enable us to live within the laws of the road.  They give us the freedom to drive without worry or fear (that is if we trust that our brakes are working and that other drivers' brakes are working too).

I can't help but think that I need NEW brakes in my SOUL.  I'm a HIGHLY SENSITIVE PERSON (there are websites you can check out to see if you are one, too).  Because I'm a HSP, I often live from my emotions.  I experience a great deal of fear and anxiety daily.  I am prone to hysteria.  I LOVE intensely.  I am highly intuitive.

I GIVE AWAY TOO MANY GIFTS (I didn't know that was possible). 

A teacher friend helped me see this from her perspective.  I would send her a card or buy her a book, and she felt like she had to reciprocate (that was never my intention), but she would receive my gift and then text me, "YOU WIN!"   

She didn't have the capacity to receive at the pace I was giving. 

(I'm the kind of person who doesn't just say, "It's a great book, go get yourself a copy."  I'm the person who says, "It's a great book, I bought you a copy!") 

Some people are overwhelmed by this. 

Getting a brake job will help me slow down, read the "signs"  and respond accordingly.

I try too hard. 

I've been told I push too hard. 

I work to repair the ruptures in my relationships with people who lack the emotional capacity to go there with me.

They resent my efforts and recoil.

I'm thinking a BRAKE JOB will protect them from me and protect me from them. 

It works both ways. 

My presence often reminds people (I've been told) of what they don't do well.  That breaks (no pun intended) my heart because I don't intend that at all. 

There are so many things I suck at. 

For instance, I'm terrible with money.  I get this.  When I'm around my brother-in-law or my friend, Lori, I am painfully reminded that money management is a huge weakness for me.  They are both experts with money.  Sometimes the shame I feel in their presence is palpable, even though money matters are never discussed.  Just by being with them, I am keenly aware of my ineptitude.

I know I NEED a new brake job.

I'm wondering how much "this kind" will cost. 

It may be less expensive than I thought.

These  new BRAKES will enable me to live within the boundaries of true and intimate relationship.

Carrie, in her June 30th post, describes her relationship with her husband this way:

"We've moved to a new place in our old relationship, one of peace, acceptance, true love. Not the clingy, needy, resentful, co-dependent, bullshit love."

Without emotional brakes in a relationship, "love" is clingy, needy, resentful, co-dependent and filled with bullshit, and I'll add chaos and "created" crisis.

With emotional brakes applied as needed, relationships have a whole new look:  Peace, Acceptance, Stability, Trust, and Safety.

Brakes are a safety mechanism. 

We all need them in our cars, and we need them in our hearts.

My new brake job will require some getting used to.

I must learn when to apply them

for SLOWING,

for PAUSING before PROCEEDING,

for outright STOPPING and

for SCREECHING TO A HALT. 

Applying the brakes doesn't always mean it's over.  Sometimes it means making a turn, or yielding to someone else, or waiting for another to cross the street.  Sometimes it means you've arrived at your destination and you can park your car. At other times, it means beginning again or taking a new route.

Reading the signs is key to using brakes. 

I underestimated the VALUE of a new brake job.  I thought I couldn't afford it.

This new BRAKE job will give me the freedom to relate to others without worry or fear,

mine

or

theirs,

because I will know that my brakes are in good, working order,

and those on the road of life with me

will know it, too.

-----

(I must also learn to stay away from others who need brake jobs. I've been "side-swiped," "run over," "rammed from behind," "hit head on" and nearly "killed" by people who need brake jobs.)

Comments

[Trish]

Oh damn it She. You are such an amazingly good writer. WOW.

I need brakes too. Both kinds.

I am getting on the phone now.

Thank you!