The Crooked Shall Be Made Straight

Things I'm working on . . .

I teach for a local community college two nights week.  I also teach full time during the day and teach online in a Master's program.  I'm always teaching, and more importantly, I'M ALWAYS LEARNING AND RELEARNING.  

It's really a great way to live!  

My evening classes are made up of 10th graders who failed English.  

Everyone in the room has a HISTORY OF FAILURE --  repeated, chronic failure!  

Including me!  

Only my failures haven't been academic.  

I've failed in friendships and in making good choices and in a whole host of other ways.  

I keep this in mind when I look into the eyes of these despondent kiddos -- their sad and hardened and "unmotivated to keep going" eyes. 

I try to connect with them right where they are in their failure.  

And then I offer them grace 

and talk to them 

about mercy 

and love 

and second chances.  

Finally I offer them a HOPE they've not felt in a long while.  

It's what I do, 

and in the process of giving them an opportunity to redeem themselves, 

I take a good look at myself and how much I have to learn.

And we start OVER again. . .TOGETHER.

Last night we began with our PERSONAL BANK ACCOUNTS (PBAs) and how we've been "spending" more than we make and how our lives reflect this deficiency.

We discussed how we might begin to fill up our depleted accounts so that we might not go bankrupt.

We talked about how we can begin to accumulate wealth and prosperity from within our very souls.  

We talked about how all change begins from within US!  

That no one else can do it for us, 

that we must begin AGAIN 

to take charge of our lives.  

That we do, 

indeed, 

have the resources 

and the resiliency 

to make 

HUGE COMEBACKS!  

And we talked about how even though change begins with us, we also need each other.

Then we listened to Sean Covey on our handy dandy iTunes connected to loud speakers, stopping each time he made a point we needed to reflect upon (which was every 15 seconds or so!)

Covey reminded us that there are 6 KEY DEPOSITS for our PBAs.

1.  Keep promises to ourselves (and to others).

2.  Do small acts of kindness.

3.  Be gentle with yourself!  (forgiving yourself when you make mistakes)

4.  Be honest.

5.  Renew yourself.

6.  Develop your talents and interests.

We stopped after each point and talked about practical ways we can make these much needed deposits.  

These kids, 

the ones 

no one wants to teach, 

left thinking 

about how resourceful 

they are 

and 

how much power 

they really have.

This teacher left feeling exactly the same way!

And then she cried a good, hard, cleansing cry all. the. way. home!  

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On another note, after I got my ticket two days ago and came in ranting about it, a boy in my first period gave me this as he walked out the door. 

He's such a sweetheart.  (And he practices small acts of kindness!)

PS:  I  will finish the installments on how I got kicked out of church next week.  Writing in second person is weird for me (I've never done it!), but it gave me the distance emotionally to actually begin to tell you the story.

Installment 1

Blognut (demanded!) told me I had to tell this story because of this post.

 

To get kicked out of church, you do the following:

You go away to college (first one in your family) and join a campus Christian Fellowship.  You become a leader in said fellowship during your 4 years of involvement.  You are in the pastor's wife's Bible study/discipleship group.  She takes an interest in you even though you are not drawn to her (I mean for crying out loud, she wears florescent socks with Khaki pants!). 

But no one has ever taken an interest in you, so you start meeting with her regularly for "discipleship." She wants you to trust her.  Says this repeatedly to you.  And after knowing her for nearly two years, she gets you to tell her that you've been sexually abused by your "Christian, spirited filled grandfather" and your bastard stepfather. 

She's the first person you've ever told (not even your sister), and you begin to cry a lot and all of the time. It's as if a dam has broken loose inside you and you can't contain your emotions.  She decides you need a male role model and offers her husband, the pastor, to be the man who will play the role of "big brother" in your life.  You balk.  No way do you want to meet with him.  He is too emotional.  Too over the top in his preaching.  Too weird.  Too eager.  Too something.  But you don't know exactly what. 

After months of persuasion, you agree to be in his co-ed Bible study.  This terrifies you.  The thought of meeting with him.  But it's in a group, so you go.  Then he wants to disciple you.  After all, his wife is now going to seminary and she no longer has time for you.  He will fill the gap in your discipleship.  She's told him about your abuse, after all, and he's ready and willing to be the role model you need.

You meet only in public places.  You set up this stipulation.  And he agrees.  It is your senior year (4th of 5 years of university) and you've decided to go to Africa for the summer on a mission's trip.  You'll be gone for 10 weeks.  He happily helps you plan.  He encourages your vision. He even helps you raise money, which you are totally uncomfortable doing. 

Then out of the blue on April 6, 1988, he tells you that he's in love with you.  That he has loved you since he met you nearly four years earlier.  That he thinks you are the most beautiful woman alive and that if he weren't already married, he'd definitely marry you.  

You are standing in the parking lot next to your 1980 Chevy Chevette after your weekly discipleship meeting with him, and you are so shocked (because this possibility had never occurred to you, and you most certainly did not find him the least bit attractive. In fact, you had a major crush on John S.).  You don't say anything because there are no words within your reach. 

You just get in your car, forget to put the towel on the seat, and burn your legs on the cracked vinyl. Your legs burn all the way back to your dormitory where you are a Resident Assistant and have your own room.  You lie on your bed all afternoon in a catatonic state not knowing what to do, who to tell, where to go.  You remind yourself that you felt he was too eager to help you, but it's too late now to stop this unraveling of events.

He calls and leaves message after message on your machine begging you to meet him so he can explain.  He calls you Sunshine and Beautiful and all those things no one has ever said to you before. You've never had a boyfriend so you are not wise in the ways of men.  You've only been touched by the pedophile grandfather and the crazy, drunk stepfather.  

You were kissed before, but then you never talked to the boy who kissed you because you were a good girl and too scared to let yourself feel the feelings his kiss evoked.  So he broke up with you.  But that was 7th grade.  

Oh, and there was that one time in high school when Steve came over with Gary, your sister's boyfriend, so that he could make out with you while your sister and Gary made out in the other room.  It was weird for you so you kept telling him you had to go the bathroom.  Pretty soon he got tired of all the interruptions, and he left.  And you were relieved.  Your experience with boys is pretty much nil.

So the pastor has just told you he loves you and you are reeling inside.  

You love his family.  

You babysit his children.  

His wife is your spiritual mother.  

They are your family.

So you lie still on your bed for hours and then you start to fidget and shake.

And just like that, your life as you know it begins to come undone.  

It's as if you are being sucked down by a mighty undertow, and you can't swim or get a footing much less get air into your lungs. 

On my way to work

I take the same route each morning.  It's all side streets, and it takes me about 20 minutes.  For two weeks now, I've watched a motorcycle cop (who hides on a short side street) pull someone over (always just ahead of me by one or two cars).  F*cker!  I've muttered while I watch him pounce.  

This is how it plays out.  The car stops at a stop sign and then accelerates to drive the additional quarter of a mile to the next stop light.  During that acceleration, the cops clocks the car's speed and then pulls out of his hiding place and flashes his lights.  Not one of these cars is going more than a few miles over the speed limit.  NOT ONE.

And everyday, I've been careful.  This morning I reminded myself to watch out for him.  And I was watching out!  I had just stopped at the stop sign.  I accelerated for about 100 yards, and then out of no where there he is.  Lights flashing.  And me swearing like a son of a gun!

I have just enough minutes to get myself to school on time (with none to spare).

I pull over.  

He comes to my window.

"What did I do to make you pull me over?"

"Ma'am, I clocked you at 45."  (He shows me his magic wand thingy!)

"Sir, there is no way I was going 45.  I was looking for you.  I've watched you prey on cars for two weeks right in this spot."

"Ma'am, here it is right here. (Flashing me that radar gun again!) Are you aware of how fast you were going?"

"Yep.  I was going 32 miles per hour.  I know.  I looked."

"Well, Ma'am, that's not what I recorded right here." (Sticking that damn thing in my face one more time.)

"Look, Sir, I'm a high school teacher.  I need to get to school. I don't have time to chat with you."

(I know he's going to give me a ticket so I don't bother with the begging.  It's the end of the month.  He has a quota.)

While watching him in my rearview mirror, I start to cry.  I know.  But I can't help it.  When I get mad, I cry.  The tears are flowing, and I'm feeling all bewildered.  And I'm PISSED.  I'm pissed because he's a predator.  He's abusing his power to prey on unsuspecting people who are not violating any traffic laws. He's sitting there (hiding!) just beyond a stop sign where cars must accelerate and then settle into the traffic flow.  No one is going fast.  It's the end of a road that Ts off less than a quarter of a mile after said stop sign.  

I'm pissed because he's got nothing better to do!  

He returns to my window with the ticket.

He starts in with his drivel about how I have so many days and I can go to court.  Yadda.  Yadda.

I interrupt him.  

"I get it.  Just give me the ticket.  I have a REAL PUBLIC SERVICE JOB TO TO GET TO!"

"Excuse me, I didn't hear you."

"Did I make your quota for you?  Can you go home now?  Or are you going to continue with your predatory ways for the rest of the day?"

"I'm sorry, Ma'am.  I'm just doing my job!"

"Well, then you might want to take care of that big booger hanging out of your nose!"

And off I go!

BTW, I have gotten tickets (not many!) where I knew I was speeding, and I was polite to the cop and took my "punishment" in stride.  This was not like that!

More like character

For between installments . . .

 

It's been a hard year 
But I'm climbing out of the rubble 
These lessons are hard 
Healing changes are subtle 
But every day it's 

Less like tearing, more like building 
Less like captive, more like willing 
Less like breakdown, more like surrender 
Less like haunting, more like remember 

And I feel you here 
And you're picking up the pieces 
Forever faithful 
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation 
But you are able 
And in your hands the pain and hurt 
Look less like scars and more like 
Character 

Less like a prison, more like my room 
It's less like a casket, more like a womb 
Less like dying, more like transcending 
Less like fear, less like an ending 

And I feel you here 
And you're picking up the pieces 
Forever faithful 
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation 
But you are able 
And in your hands the pain and hurt 
Look less like scars 

Just a little while ago 
I couldn't feel the power or the hope 
I couldn't cope, I couldn't feel a thing 
Just a little while back 
I was desperate, broken, laid out, hoping 
You would come 

And I need you 
And I want you here 
And I feel you 

And I know you're here 
And you're picking up the pieces 
Forever faithful 
It seemed out of my hands, a bad, bad situation 
But you are able 

And in your hands the pain and hurt 
Look less like scars (x3) 

And more like 
Character

"keep austin weird"

I'm playing with the brilliant, creative, and stunningly beautiful San Diego Momma again,(FOR ME, IT'S THE FIRST TIME!) and it isn't even PROMPTuesday. We are Bloggers Gone Wild, I tell you, W.I.L.D.

You can play too. Your mission, should you choose to accept it If you want to play, you have to go see San Diego Momma. There you will find your "assigned" topic in the comment immediately following your comment on her post, which will have a topic from you for the next person.

It's really much simpler than I'm making it seem.

Go on, you'll see.

San Diego Momma will be publishing a list of links to the posts of the posters who were formerly commenters. You're following the bouncing ball, right?

Go to San Diego Momma and check it out. She 'splains it more better.

CLICK HERE TO BE TRANSPORTED TO THE HOME OF THE CREATIVE GENIUS OF SAN DIEGO MOMMA

I'M SHAMELESS, I COPIED ALL OF THE ABOVE FROM BLOGTHISMOM!  HER DIRECTIONS ARE WAY BETTER THAN I COULD HAVE WRITTEN THEM!

And I'm certain that if you copy this into "Turnitin.com" I'll get busted for plagiarism!  oh, well!  It's a risk, I'm willing to take on this Monday morning when I've had no coffee or diet coke!

My assignment:  She is to write about which city is her favorite and why, taking care to mention how old she was when she lived there, for how long, and any fond memories of the place and if she happens to know, what’s changed since she left.

And since I'm horrible about following directions, I'm going to improvise.  Yep.  That's what I'm going to do!  I'm going to give you a poem and then a list (in a sort of, kind of David Letterman way!) about my time in Austin, Texas, as a college student.  It's not my favorite city (see the improvisation), but I did love (mostly!) living there at the time! 

And not all of these "first times" are favorites (more improvisation!) -- not even close -- but they are times when I learned a whole helluva lot of life lessons!

Here goes:

Austin, Texas' motto 

is "keep Austin weird."  

And it is one weird city.  

Filled with Honky Tonks 

and thrift store shopping.  

Bats flying at dusk 

just for your viewing pleasure, 

especially during 

the month of August.  

Tons of live music 

on the famous 6th Street.  

The wonderfully eclectic 

University of Texas 

where all students claim 

to have burnt orange blood 

(myself included).  

It's a place 

where I lost (more of)

my innocence 

and 

came of age

in ways

that no one 

would wish 

on their college going 

daughter!  

But, alas, 

it's what I lost 

that set me free 

to be 

the woman 

I am today!

(Note to the reader:  If you read it in a David Letterman sort of way, the repetition of Austin, Texas won't seem so annoying or like the bad writing that it is!)

10.  Austin, Texas is the place where I FIRST learned for certain that I'm not mathematically minded!  ; 0

9.  Austin, Texas is the place where I FIRST fell in love with Shakespeare!

8.  Austin, Texas is where I received my FIRST D on a paper and my first D in a class!  (oh, the horror of of it all!)

7.  Austin, Texas is the place where I FIRST worked 3 jobs so I could pay my way through school!  (I've had more than one job ever since!)

6.  Austin, Texas is the FIRST place I lived away from home!  And even when times got bad, I knew it was better to stay in Austin than it would have been to go back to Houston.

5.  Austin, Texas is the FIRST place I lived in a co-ed dormitory where my resident advisor (RA) was a bisexual senior who dressed me up and did my make-up ONCE! (I have a photo SOMEWHERE!)

4.  Austin, Texas is the place where I had my FIRST drink, a Tom Collins and then a Long Island Iced Tea! (But I didn't get drunk!  No, not me!  To this day, I've never been drunk!  Seriously, I haven't!)

3.  Austin, Texas is the FIRST place I got mixed up in a "christian fellowship" that nearly destroyed my life.  See number 2. 

2.  Austin, Texas is the place where I FIRST got kicked out of a church for good, as in, "You are no longer welcome here!" kind of being kicked to the curb!

1.  Austin Texas is where I FIRST discovered my own voice and began to trust myself! (Thank God, I decided not to kill myself!)

THANK YOU, Austin, Texas!

And if you are ever in Austin, go directly to Threadgills for the best damn chicken fried steak EVAH!  Seriously, I've not been able to find any chicken fried steak worth eating in the 20 years since I left!  

(This is my plate from when I was in Austin last March!)

edited to add:   I will write the church story soon.  Perhaps next week.  

I've been tagged

Elizabeth at 3 Channels tagged me, and I've not been tagged in a long while so here goes.  

By the way, I just "met" Elizabeth, and she rocks so take a minute and check out her blog.

Threes About Me!

Three Names I Have Been Called…

1. Popcorn (My twin sister is Peanut!)

(It's okay to notice that my head totally looks like popcorn in this picture!  Go ahead!  I can see it, too!)

I think this nickname has something to do with those wispy blonde curls?!  But oh my hell of god OR blankity, blank, blank, what's up with those haircuts, Mom?  I mean, really, did you pay someone to do that to us?!!

2. She-rah, Princess of Power!

(That's me in the red.  The nickname fits, right?  Isn't my big brother cool?!)

3. She, Shel, She-lee-a 

(Okay, this one has nothing to do with my nicknames, but I LOVE THIS PHOTO.  I'm the one not picking my nose!)

Three Jobs I Have Had In My Life…

1. Archery Instructor 

(I read the How to Teach Archery book on the plane to New York when I got this job at age 24!)

 

2. Fayva Shoe Store (I organized shoes on those horrendous racks -- think Payless Shoes)

3. English Teacher/Adjunct Professor/Education Consultant (20 years this year!)

Three Places I Have Lived…

1. Houston

2. Austin

 

(That there in our mouths are already been chewed fajitas!  Nice, huh?  Now, say that with your best Texas accent!)

3. Los Angeles (Pasadena)

Three Hobbies…

1. Reading/Writing (Buying books!)

2. Sending cards

(These are a few of my picture cards!)

3. Sleeping!  (I can sleep anywhere, but I have trouble sleeping at night.)

Three things most people do not know about me…

1.  That I've floated, covered in mud, in the Dead Sea (salt water is weird!) and swam in the Sea of Galilee.

(Sorry,  ABSOLUTELY no photos!)

2.  I was a high school cheerleader. (I KNOW!  I have dreams all the time where I quit because it was sooooo not my thing!  It was my sister's thing, and I did it because she did.  I SUCKED at cheerleading!  I couldn't jump or remember the movements for the cheers.  I was a total clutzy high school girl in a short skirt.)

(I'm the second one from the left just in case you don't recognize the dark hair on my head!)  

(I belonged on the basketball court or the softball field, NOT on the sidelines jumping up and down!  Why I was ever a cheerleader still baffles me!)

3.  I'm an introvert.  Most people assume I'm an extrovert because I can pull off being really social and friendly (and I do a great deal of public speaking for a living!), but the truth is, it exhausts me, and I NEED lots of down time after I've been in a group!  

(On the Myers-Briggs, I'm an INFP!  On the enneagram, I'm a 4.)

(Evidently, I used to be quite the party goer!  Look at those fancy dresses!  And, really, Mom, did we have to match E X A C T L Y?!)

Extra bit in this category:  I love Jesus but I swear like a sailor!  I guess most people already know that about me, though!  

(Remember Gladys on Ellen, "I love Jesus, but I drink a little!"  If you've not seen that video, stop reading my silly blog post and go to Youtube and watch it right this minute!) 

Three TV Shows That I Watch…

1. "The New Adventures of Old Christine" 

(I've never watched "The Office."  Tell me, am I missing something?)

2. "Grey's Anatomy"

3. "Brothers and Sisters"

Three places I Have Been…

1. Ghana, West Africa

2. Israel/Palestine/Jordan

(Me standing in front of the Dome of the Rock!)

(In the Wadi Rum Desert in Jordan about to go on a Jeep Caravan ride and camp out under the stars!)

(Our Jeep caravan!  It was exhilarating!)

3. Austria

(In Vienna, Austria, with all my Canadian friends!)

Three places I want to go…

1. Italy

2. Ireland

3. England

That’s three about me, now three about you, too?

I'm tagging LOLA, Cheryl, Beth, Amber, Wanda, and Hetha!

Feel free to tag yourself!  Everyone is welcome to play!

I got caught drinking . . .

. . . a diet coke!  

 

Nailed by a pesky senior boy this morning.  

I told all of my students on January 5th that if they saw me drinking a diet coke, then I'd pay the one who caught me a dollar.

Stupid ME!

Here's the deal.  I gave them up.  I really did.  And then I got sad about something.  And so I decided I could have one when I NEEDED it, which has amounted to one every few days or so.

I'm teaching so many jobs (and I'm grateful for the extra work, so no complaints here), but I'm tired.  Twice a week I'm at school until 6pm.  That's 11 hours.  Yesterday was one of those days.  Today is one too.

On top of that a lot is stirred up inside of me right now, and I hate to admit it but I cried myself to sleep last night,  the-I-hope-to-God-my-upstairs-neighbor-can't-hear-me-kind-of-SOBBING.  

And, well, this morning, I needed to drink a DIET COKE!

Vic:  Hey, Ms. S.  What's in the Burger King cup on your desk?

Me:  (without stopping to think a "little white lie" might be in order)  Diet Coke, why?

Vic:  Hahaha!  YOU OWE ME A DOLLAR!

Me:  Leave me alone, Kiddo!

Vic:  Ms. SSSSSSSSSSS!  What's up with that?  You said you gave them up?

Me:  (digging in my wallet for a one dollar bill) I know.  I know.  I KNOW!  Here you go.  Now get out of here!   (both of us laughing).

-------------------------------------------------------

I've lost 16 pounds since January 5th, and I'm still having a hard time making myself eat, which is like living in a foreign land and not speaking the language.  I so don't know how to navigate myself through this one.  I do get hungry at times during the day, and I do make myself eat.  But I don't think about food.  I don't plan what I'm going to eat next (and if you know me well, you know that's NEARLY FREAKIN' IMPOSSIBLE!  I'm known for having Mac & Cheese on my brain 24/7!).  But lately I don't crave anything or want anything, and nothing sounds good to me, except the occasional diet coke!

edited to add:

BTW, I'm thrilled with the weight loss.  I need to lose a lot more. It's just that the not having a desire for food is a tad bit unsettling!  

But I'm going to MILK it for all it's worth!!!  ; )  

my crooked heart

I found this excerpt of a poem in the book I'm currently engrossed in reading, and it soooo encapsulates how I've been feeling lately.  It speaks for itself so here it is:

"O stand, stand at the window

As the tears scald and start;

You shall love your crooked neighbour 

With your crooked heart."

W.H. Auden from his poem entitled, "As I Walked Out One Evening."

Elizabeth Lesser introduces the quote this way, "If we are not willing to confront the truth about ourselves that a loss unearths, we squander a rare and precious opportunity for transformation" (100).  

She also says, "A heart made crooked through loss and change is a heart that can love the world and its less than perfect people" (100).

So, I found myself a new therapist and I will confront the truth about myself.  It's not going to be pretty, I'm sure!  But I'm not after pretty.  I'm after transformation!  

Thanks, Cheri!

Navigation systems

Meet Stella

I received Stella for Christmas from a dear friend, but I only recently took her out of the box she arrived in.

Stella and I got acquainted last week when I had to drive to Orange County for a three-day conference.  I typed the address into Stella’s system, started the car, and backed out of the driveway.  It was early (too early for my circadian rhythms) and I was not quite awake, but I knew which freeway to take and the right direction to go.

So when Stella said, “In 500 yards, turn right,” I knew in my gut she was dead wrong.  So I turned the opposite direction onto the 210 freeway heading east.  I pressed “recalculate route” on her touchscreen and continued driving. 

But Stella is one stubborn lady and kept barking orders at me.  “In 500 yards, take the exit to your right.”    

“NO,” I heard myself say out loud.  “That’s not right!  Why?  Why?  Why are you trying to make me go that way?”

Stella's insistence escalated, her voice grating on my last nerve.

When my speed reached 80 miles per hour, she’d belt out, “Caution.  Caution.  Caution."

Finally I said, “Just shut up, will you?”

Since Stella and I just met, I let her stay in my car (I resisted the urge to throw her out the window).

Now I know nearly nothing about GPS navigation, but I suspect Stella is programmed in some way by people who work at NavTeq.  That, in spite of her ability to connect with oh so many satellites and determine my location, she’s still relying heavily on maps stored in her memory!

So I judge her as having little wisdom, common sense, or good judgment. Her knowledge, I tell her, is strictly based on how she’s been “wired.”  Her knowing is limited. 

And the path she wanted to take me on would have taken longer.  It would have required more waiting in stop-and-go traffic.  It would have made me late to my destination, which would have resulted in unnecessary tears.

I ignore Stella, and I keep going the way that my wisdom tells me is best.  After all, I do know better than the technology!

About 25 minutes into my 1 ½ hour drive, Stella decides to relinquish her “will” and submit to the route I am on.  “It’s about damn time,” I shout at her.  Finally she rerouted herself and synched with the path I had chosen as the best one. 

My own internal navigation system is much like Stella’s.  Unfortunately.

Meet Shelia.  She thinks she knows the right direction to go.  But she’s often dead wrong.

She thinks she knows just where she is.  She checks in with all her “satellite systems” and calculates her state of being with such precision.  She starts moving (energized by her memory) in the direction she’s been “programmed” to go.  She sets off on a path fueled by her emotions.  She says things and does things and writes things that send her on a journey she never meant (or wanted) to take.  And before she knows it she’s feeling lost (and bewildered), even though she’s proceeding at a speed that seems unstoppable.

She hears a voice deep inside herself, “Caution.  Caution.  Caution.”

So she slams on the brakes and screeches to a stop.

Then she hears a gentle and loving whisper from the voice of the only navigation system she knows to trust (one whose ways are so much greater than her own ways) saying,  “Recalculating route.  Make a U-Turn.”

(Isaiah 30:21  "Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 'This is the way; walk in it."")

She turns around, knowing that she has acted with little wisdom or common sense or good judgment, that her knowledge of the BEST path is limited. 

She (humbly) relinquishes her “will” and submits to this new route, even though she doesn’t quite know where it will take her. 

 

 

10 uplifting quotes

from beliefnet.com

1.  "Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them -- every day begin the task anew."

 --Saint Francis de Sales

2.  "A pearl is a beautiful thing that is produced by an injured life. It is the tear [that results] from the injury of the oyster. The treasure of our being in this world is also produced by an injured life. If we had not been wounded, if we had not been injured, then we will not produce the pearl."

 --Stephan Hoeller

3.  "Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy."

--Thich Nhat Hanh

4.  "Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment."

 --Greenville Kleisser

5.  "Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved."

--Helen Keller

6.  "Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world."

 --C.S. Lewis

7.  "The greatest degree of inner tranquility comes from the development of love and compassion. The more we care for the happiness of others, the greater is our own sense of well-being."

 --Tenzin Gyatso, the 14th Dalai Lama

8.  "What you thought before has led to every choice you have made, and this adds up to you at this moment. If you want to change who you are physically, mentally, and spiritually, you will have to change what you think."

 --Dr. Patrick Gentempo

9.  "Nothing worth doing is completed in our lifetime,

Therefore, we are saved by hope.

Nothing true or beautiful or good makes complete sense in any immediate context of history;

Therefore, we are saved by faith.

Nothing we do, however virtuous, can be accomplished alone.

Therefore, we are saved by love.
No virtuous act is quite as virtuous from the standpoint of our friend or foe as from our own;
Therefore, we are saved by the final form of love, which is forgiveness."

 --Reinhold Niebuhr

10.  "Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around."

 --Leo Buscaglia

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I like number 1.  I'm wanting to "remedy my own imperfections" especially those that have caused others pain.

I like number 6.  I'm attending to my pain, and it is way harder than I'm comfortable with.  But necessary.

I like number 3.  It reminds me of a dear friend.  She told me to smile a lot.  I smile at least once a day just to keep in practice.  Thank God for teenagers.  They give me lots of opportunities to practice.

Number 8 is my greatest challenge.  But I'm a diligent and hard worker.  I will work my ass off on this one.

I like numbers 7 and 10.  I want to get back to these as soon as I'm able.  Both depict my heart's desire more than anything else I can think of.  

Here's to being SAVED by faith, hope, love, and forgiveness!

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Just checking in.  I'm okay.  Will be okay.  I'm practicing quiet and solitude and seeking God's face.  I'm praying for wisdom and insight and good judgment.  Seeking and staying still and quiet are all I can muster right now.  

I wish I had gone straight into this quiet, reflective, and sacred space before reacting, but I didn't, and now I have to be gentle with myself.  So that's what I'm doing.  Being very gentle and very quiet and very contemplative.   

I've lost 14 lbs since January 5th.  This "not eating" part of being sad is way beyond what I've ever experienced before, and I've had my period twice in three weeks.  What's that about? (Seriously, if you know, tell me.  My periods have been consistent and predictable since I was 10 years old!)

And in the midst of it all, a very hawt black man asked me out on a date.  Go figure.