The Crooked Shall Be Made Straight

I heart you and you and you!

"'When talking of human well-being all there is is love and love denied.'  It seems to me that all the emphasis on work in the world, without the balance of genuine love, leaves us deformed as hell. Without love, a person can become a magnificent work machine but have no kind of a life. On the other hand, a person whose solid foundation has been built by love automatically works to contribute to the fabric of society."

--Excerpted from The Healer's Way by Earnie Larsen (Conari Press, September 2007) - borrowed from belief.net

I've been feeling a bit "deformed as hell," and a bit like a "magnificent work machine" with "no kind of life" (I have 3 jobs!), so I started thinking about all of you and how each of you has shown me considerable LOVE throughout the last year and a half!

You, you, you, and you text me regularly to check in with me and let me know you care about how I'm doing!  Texting rocks!  

You teach me every day with your witty and educational posts!

You have been a faithful and inspirational friend.   Our connection has brought me priceless joy! (Thanks, Sis!)

You and you call me on the phone to chat!  I love our calls!

You  and you tell me you love me every time we communicate, and it does my heart good!

You and you and you are willing to extend your friendship to me in the real world!  And I can't wait!  (See you in a few days!)

You and you invited me into the very intimate journey of writing your memoirs, and I'm forever changed and forever grateful!

You invited me to join you on a separate blog venture to get healthy this year!  (Thank you!  Doing it alone wasn't working!  I'm down 8 lbs!)

You heal me with every word you write on that blog of yours!  Wow!

You teach me about courage and tenacity and gratitude, especially gratitude.

You  and you relate to me and my struggles with every comment.  Your understanding exudes from the screen!

You joined me in my classroom and have added tremendous JOY to my days! (Who knew having a student teacher could be so fun!)

You, you, you, you, you and you comment faithfully and make my days brighter with your words of encouragement and grace (and humor!).

You and you will meet me SOMEWHERE (maybe NYC, maybe Chicago!) this summer!  I wait with great anticipation to SEE (and hug and kiss) your beautiful faces!

You inspire me with your healing journey since going deaf!  I am touched by your endless hopefulness and courage!

You and you make me laugh out loud with every post.  Dogs really are a (wo)man's best friend.  And laughter is much cheaper than therapy!

And you, Love Bug, share my adventurous spirit!  I hope you are having fun in Italy! (Please keep your blog updated, so I know where you are!)

 

Each of you has shown me tremendous LOVE, and that LOVE (your LOVE) keeps me going, even when I might die under an avalanche of student essays which threaten to suffocate me right. this. very. moment.  (IT COULD HAPPEN!  And if it does, I'll die knowing YOU cared about me!)

Not enough can be said about how much I HEART my blogging friends!  

A peek into our day

"Lord, in the memory of all the saints who from their labors rest, and in the joy of a new beginning, we ask you to help us work for that day when black will not be asked to get back, when brown can stick around, when yellow will be mellow, when the red man can get ahead, man, and when white will embrace what is right."

-- Rev. Lowry's prayer

"A teacher says, "Take out your pencils. Begin."

"We encounter each other in words, words spiny or smooth, whispered or declaimed; words to consider, reconsider."

"Some live by 'Love thy neighbor as thy self.'

Others by first do no harm, or take no more than you need."

"What if the mightiest word is love, love beyond marital, filial, national. 

Love that casts a widening pool of light. 

Love with no need to preempt grievance."

"In today's sharp sparkle, this winter air, anything can be made, any sentence begun."

"On the brink, on the brim, on the cusp -- praise song for walking forward in that light."

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*Lines from Elizabeth  Alexander's Inaugural poem

Keep the story alive

"I wrote this book to keep the story alive, to engage it, and to release it."

And with those words, I was captivated by Jennifer Baszile and her story about growing up black in a predominantly upper class white neighborhood in Southern California.

Jennifer's mother initially encouraged her to write the book but later advised her not to, explaining, "I'm afraid it'll take you under."

But Jennifer pushed through the story-telling, story-writing process, and she asked us, her audience at Vroman's bookstore this afternoon, to "think about and look at those quiet spaces" in our own families.  To think about the "topics, stories and accounts that make people too nervous" to talk, the things in our own histories that keep us silent. 

"There's a story in there that belongs to you," she said.

She explained how her history was informing her body on a daily basis and how instead of feeling it or dealing with it that she hid out in academia.

Then she said, "I'm not carrying the burden of a taboo subject anymore," and "it did not take me under."

I marveled at her honesty, her intellect, her determination to engage us in a conversation about the difficult topic of racial tensions in our country (in our world).  

And I wanted to have that talk with her, this woman who says that her "guiding hope was to really have a conversation, to FEEL it through even" (as opposed to thinking it through).

When I asked her what she meant by sharing the story so she could "release it," she said that the true release comes in making connections with people.  That in sharing the story, we can (finally) connect."

Jennifer's book, The Black Girl Next Door, came out this week, and I have an autographed copy that I can't wait to read!

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I left contemplating how my own history informs my body on a daily basis.  

I left knowing that my fear of writing my story has kept me back, kept me "carrying the burden of a taboo subject."  

(Marianne Williamson says, "The weight is the size of the wound" as Carrie reminded me recently.)

I left knowing that even though my mom has told me to write my book, that when I do, it could really hurt her (even though I don't want it to).

And I left knowing that the connection will be powerful, and the release will be great when my story is finally told!

Recycled post

I'm re-posting this because I'm in the midst of grading hell ONCE AGAIN, and People, I got nothin' new to share!  

My life is so boring even I shudder at how mind-numbing my days are!

This is a true account of what happened to me on August 7, 2007.  It's also a draft.  I'm too lazy to revise.  

(It was originally posted on January 17, 2008)

Oh so very random . . .

So I'm in my car the other day, and I go to open the door and I look down and see this button! 

I've driven this car for 6 1/2 years.  

I have. never. noticed. this. button!  

People, what else have I missed?  

Does this happen to anyone else?!!

So I smell something in my apartment when I walk in the door from being gone all day.  

I sniff, sniff, sniff.  

It's not cat poop (which is what it usually is -- why don't those Bronte sisters cover up their business?!).

I follow my nose around for a while.  

Geez, what's that smell?  

See how when I open the door, the door hides that big pile of SMELLY SHOES!  

I LIVE ALONE, People!  

Who the hell needs that many shoes?! 

And, yes, I have a shoe hanger thing-y on the back of my bedroom door, and yes, it's filled with shoes, too!  

I grab the handy dandy Fabreeze bottle and spray, spray, spray!  

That is a 4 dollar "skinny" latte, and Charlotte put her tongue all. over. it.  

The same tongue that cleans her sister's behind, because Emily can't reach to take care of her own business!  

Charlotte is what I call CO-DEPENDENT and helps her out!

Oh yes!  She put that same tongue all over my 4 buckaroo cup of salvation!

What is your guess about what I did?  

Drink it anyway?

Toss it out?

(Did I mention that I recently gave up diet coke cold turkey?!  This may help you with your answer!)

Here I am trying to practice centering prayer on my brand new meditation pillows!  

Emily stayed with me the entire 20 minutes.

And then she commandeered my place of "centering" and took it as her new cat bed!  

Holy Moly!

I haven't been able to get near those pillows since!!!

And I ONLY GOT to wear my new crocheted hat twice this winter!  

It's in the 80s here today!  

What's up with that?!  

Anyone wanna come visit?  (I know you do!)

And finally, this guy is leaving office and not a moment too soon!

Hooray!!!

Today's reading

On my way to looking my best in 2009! 

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Weight is a weighty issue

This is what I had for dinner tonight.  The salad is all organic with a teaspoon of extra virgin olive oil and some vinegar.  The potatoes are topped off with a mild organic salsa instead of gravy or butter.  The ground beef is also organic and cruelty free. 

(Just in case you were wondering what I had for dinner, and I KNOW some of you were!)

Today on Oprah, Bob Green asked these questions:

1.  Why are you overweight?

2.  What are you hungry for?

3.  Why have you failed to maintain weight loss?

4.  Why do you want to lose weight?

And, while I'm working on my answers (I may or may not decide to share my responses here), I thought I'd put the questions out there.  

Weight is a weighty issue.  

No matter what side of the struggle you're on -- if you need to lose it (like I do), then it can be hellish, no doubt.  

If you need to gain it, and it's hard to eat or to keep food down, then it can be downright nightmarish, too.

And I suppose those questions could read this way if you need to gain weight:

1.  Why are you underweight?

2.  Why are you not hungry?/ Why are you not eating?

 (I suppose this one could stay the same and still provide helpful information -- What are you hungry for?)

3.  Why have you failed to maintain a normal weight?

4.  Why do you want to gain weight?

I think our answers might be similar no matter which issue we have with our weight.  (With emotional, genetic, and health related reasons)

It's just that those of us who need to lose weight get way more attention and sympathy and compassion and frankly, HELP.  (Oprah provides us with all kinds of resources!)

I know and love people on both sides.  In fact I live with two such women.

Emily weighs in at 19 lbs.  

Just so you get the full effect!

Charlotte, on the other hand, weighs in at 8 1/2 lbs and is under weight.

She can fold herself in half!

The Bronte sisters are from the same litter.  

Charlotte, surprisingly, is the alpha cat, and she eats first.  

Emily won't eat until Charlotte gives her the go ahead!  

Charlotte has to take medicine so that she doesn't throw up her food.   She has a really difficult time keeping it down.  

(She also eats plastic!  And yes, I try to keep it from her!  She finds it no matter where I hide it!)

Charlotte definitely has a higher metabolism.  She has a nervous energy and dances around all the time.

Emily's metabolism is S L O W!   Her anxiety sends her into hiding (under the bed) when people come over or if she hears any kind of noise.  

Mostly, she meanders.  Not much dancing going on!

(My niece stayed with me a week last summer, and Emily hid for the first FOUR DAYS!)

Emily and Charlotte both experienced serious trauma before I rescued them nearly 12 years ago!  Emily was terrified for the first five years I had her!  Charlotte, not so much!  

I think their respective weight issues are fairly complex.  

They are, in fact, not much different than people are!!!

 

Scenes from a life

Scene 1

Pushing my basket through Whole Foods Market, I notice someone following me (closely).  I sneak a peek over my shoulder.  Oh, it's only an Whole Foods employee.  I continue my meandering.  Steal Cut oatmeal. Check. Fresh salmon.  Check.  Organic blueberries.  Check.  

I can still feel the handsome young employee lurking not far behind me (aimlessly).  Hmmm?  I walk a bit more.  He follows.  It's getting creepy, so I stop.  Turn around.  And look directly into his eyes.  

Me:  Hello.  Where can I find a multi-vitamin?

HYE (handsome young employee):  Um.  Yeah, sure.  This way. And, oh, sorry I was following you.

Me:  Yeah, I couldn't help but notice.  Something up?

HYE:  Just trying to figure out if you are who I think you are?!

Me:  And, just who do you think I am?

HYE:  Well, uh, did you teach at G. Elementary School back in the early 90s?  You look just like my teacher.  I was trying to make sure!

Me: (laughing and smiling and checking out his mustache)   Yep. That WOULD BE ME!

HYE:  Ms.  S, is it really you?  I thought it was you!  Sorry I was stalking you!

(We both laugh.)

Me:  Okay, you're a grown man now.  Forgive me that I don't recognize you.  What's your name? And how the hell old are you?!

HYE:  (grinning ear to ear)  My name is T____ M____ and I'm 28!

Me:  OMG!  Of course I remember you, as I try to recall his 13 year old face and match it to his grown up one!  

After catching up on the last 15 years, I walk away feeling way OLD!

Scene 2

Sitting in a booth at a local bar.  (No. I don't regularly frequent bars.) My friend and I look at our respective breakfast menus.  It's raining and cold outside and I'm shivering waiting for the waitress.

She approaches our table, and I notice her striking beauty.  She has long dark brown hair, an amazing smile, and a twinkle in her eyes.  She grins and says, "Are you two ready to order?"

I am about to point out what I want when her eyes lock on me.  I'm wearing my handy dandy blue crocheted hat.  I look back at her wondering if that's what she's looking at (I get tons of compliments on it).

Adorable waitress:  You look so familiar!  

Me:  Searching her olive complexion and chocolate eyes.  A_____ G_____?  Is that you?  It's me, Ms. S.!  How the hell are you?  And what are you doing working in a bar?!  (Big smile on my face because I'm so proud of myself for KNOWING HER NAME!)

Adorable waitress:  (Quick with her wit.  She pulls open her jean jacket with both hands.) Well, they wouldn't hire me at Hooters!  I got nothing!

(We both laugh!)

Me:  What have you been up to?  And how old are you NOW?

Adorable waitress:  Finished up at UCLA and am working on my Master's degree in psychology!  And, I'm about to be 25!

Me:  Wow!  That's wonderful!  You've been busy!  So, you were in the 7th grade in what?  1996?

Adorable waitress:  Oh, heck, I don't remember!

After we catch up, I eat my breakfast, stunned at how freaking old I am!

Scene 3

Yard House restaurant on New Year's Eve.  My friend and I stand at the counter waiting to be seated.  I look up and notice a familiar face.  

I whisper to my friend,  "That kid was my student! I don't know his name or how long ago, but he was in my class!  Man, they are everywhere!"

She laughs!  We both do.

He looks up and catches my gaze.  He face is covered with hair.  A light mustache and almost a full beard.  His hair is spiked up and I try to remember how long ago he sat in my classroom.

Former student:  (He recognizes me right away.) Hey, Ms. S., how are you doing?

Me:  Great!  How are you?

Former student:  Just fine.  Thanks.  You two need a table?

Me:  Yep.  A booth, please.

Former student:  Okay, right this way!

Me:  So, remind me of your name?  And how long ago were you in my class?

Former student:  D_____!  What, you don't remember?!  Come on, Ms. S.  It was only two years ago!

Me:  Sorry, Buddy!  I'm getting old!  I remember your face vividly!  I just forgot your name!

(We both chuckle.)

He seats us.

My friend:  You are so honest!  I usually don't admit when I don't remember their names!  

Me:  I usually don't either, but I REALLY THOUGHT it was more than two years ago! Geez, Louise!  I feel so freakin' old!

(The waitress comes to take our drink order.)

Me:  I'll take a Margarita!  Frozen with salt, PLUUEEEZE!

My friend:  In that case, I'll take a frozen daiquiri.

Waitress:  Ladies, I'll need to see some ID, please!

We bust up laughing!   All is right with the world once again!

I reach for my wallet.

Me:  Okay, I'll only show you if you can do the math when you see what year I was born!

She chuckles.  My friend and I slap our IDs on the table.

Waitress:  I only have to make sure it says 1987 or before!

Me:  Oh, I can assure you, IT DOES!

Pesky cat, parade, and potato tacos

Meet my Watch Cat

Evidently Miss Emily Bronte doesn't like hosting sleep overs!  My friend, C., spent New Year's Eve on my couch, so that we could rise early and walk down to the parade route.  Miss Bronte didn't like this fact ONE BIT.  In fact she didn't sleep a wink, and NEITHER DID I. 

My lovely, wonderful annoying cat sat next to my head all night long whimpering and staring at me as if to say, "WTF is that person doing on MY couch?!  Get up, Woman, and do something about it right. now!  I said, RIGHT. NOW!"

So, being the awesome pet owner that I am, I turned over!  And Ms. Bronte climbed right over my head and sat on the other side!  I whispered gently to her, "It's okay, Love Bug, she's our friend.  Now go. to. sleep!"  I patted her back!  I pulled her close to me.  I whispered to her.  

She'd have none of it.  

Every half hour or so, Ms. B. would jump off the bed, go into the living room, glare at my friend, and then come back and sit on next to my head!  Then she'd start in again with me.  "Don't you get it?  There's someone on MY couch?!  Get her out of here NOW!"  

Pat.  Pat.  Pat.  Whisper.  Reassure.  Pat.  Pat.  Pat.

Nothing worked!  

Pesky cat!

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24 hours before the parade, I took these photos of people getting ready to camp out.

Gotta love a group of teenagers sitting on the parade route READING!  

 

I know this is blurry.  (I was driving!)  But do you see that?  

A HUGE flat screen TV!  

People, books are so much easier to carry and a lot more interesting! 

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At the parade, I took 240 photos.  I'll share just a few, I promise!

See how willing I am to show myself looking damn silly!  

That's my friend, C.  

She looks gorgeous because she is!

The reason we went to the parade:  the kiddos from my school marched in it this year! 

It didn't take long for us to shed our coats, hats, and gloves.  It got HOT pretty fast!  

I know some of you are stuck in snow.  Sorry about that!  

I'd invite you to visit and sleep on my couch, but we'd have to sedate the pesky cat!

I'm no photographer, but I do have a 10 zoom on my camera!

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After the parade, C. made us some very tasty potato tacos!  

My other friend, also named C (but a different C.) cut and chopped!  

My job was to take pictures for my blog!  (I'm selfish thoughtful like that!)

Don't I have AWESOME friends?!!

Potato tacos are YUMMY!

And after everyone left, Miss Charlotte Bronte and I took a nap!  

Miss Emily Bronte hid under the bed the whole day!  

Too much company for her nervous system!

Happy New Year, Everyone!

PS:  Thanks to everyone who commented on my last post!  I received more comments than I EVER have!  I appreciate all of your wisdom and contributions to the conversation about such an awful illness!