The Crooked Shall Be Made Straight

A poem and some thoughts

Woman with Flower

by Naomi Long Madgett



I wouldn't coax the plant if I were you,
Such watchful nurturing may do it harm.
Let the soil rest from so much digging
And wait til it's dry before you water it.
The leaf's inclined to find it's own direction;
Give it a chance to seek the sunlight for itself.

Much growth is stunted by too careful prodding,
Too eager tenderness,
The things we love we have to
Learn to leave alone.

Random responses from a conversation about this poem:

Let it be!  Let it be!  LET IT BE!

What would it be like to let it bloom or NOT bloom with out having so much energy around the outcome?

My tendency is to think too much! 

I CAN THINK THINGS TO DEATH!

Urgency takes on a life of its own.

Better for me to show up and wait and see.

"Wait til it's dry before you water it"    If you don't, what's the possible outcome:  ROOT ROT!

If you keep yanking a carrot out of the ground to see if it's growing, it WILL DIE!

If you are going to grow a garden, a good part of that will require that you leave it alone to grow!

Sometimes "tending" masquerades itself as a GOOD thing.

---

"The Leaf's inclined to find its own direction."

Whew!  This reminds me of a friendship I've lost and how I've prodded and watered and dug at this relationship trying to figure out what went wrong, to repair what went awry.  When really maybe all I needed to do is

"Give it a chance to seek the sunlight for itself."

---

How much of my life do I simply NEED to give a chance to seek the sunlight for itself???

A personal bill of rights

Yesterday, on my way to my car, a teacher friend confided in me that she wasn't doing too well.  She said, "Shelia, I need boundaries in my life, in my marriage, in my family!  Do you have a book I can read? I KNOW YOU DO!"

And, well, yes, of course I have a book, actually many books, for her to read.  When I got home, I rummaged through all the books I've read on boundaries, and I landed on my favorite and the one that was most helpful to me.  I read it in 2001, and its pages are covered with my annotations.  I curled up on the couch and revisited my notes, and it was good to be once again reminded of some crucial principles.

The book is called Boundaries and Relationships:  Knowing, Protecting and Enjoying the Self by Charles L. Whitfield, M. D.

The part I want to share is what Dr. Whitfield calls "A Personal Bill of Rights."  I needed to read these again, and I also thought it would be powerful for me to type them out and hang them on my bathroom mirror! 

(Or maybe I should tattoo them on my body somewhere I can read them easily, like my forearms or the backs of my hands!)

Since I'm typing them anyway, I thought I'd let you all in on them too.

Whitfield writes, "As part of my healing I can begin to discover that I have rights as an individual human being.  As children and even as adults, we may have been treated by others as though we had few or no rights.  We may have ourselves come to believe that we had no rights.  And we may be living our lives now as though we have none.  As we recover and heal our True Self, we can put together our personal 'bill of rights'" (219).

Whitfield lists 36 rights, and these are the top 10 that most reflect where I am today and what I need right now. 

1.  I have the right to be healthier than those around me.

2.  I have the right to make friends and be comfortable around   people.

3.  I have the right to grieve over what I didn't get that I needed or what I got that I didn't need or want.

4.  I have the right to follow my own values and standards.

5.  I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.

6.  I have the right to expect honesty from others.

7.  I have the right to give and to receive unconditional love.

8.   I have the right to stability, i.e., "roots" and stable healthy relationships of my choice.

9.  I have the right to trust others who earn my trust.

10. I have the right to change and grow.

Over the next week, I'm going to write my own version of a "bill of rights."

If you were to write your own version; what would you include in yours?

***Another of Whitfield's books that has really impacted me and helped me on my journey is called Healing the Child Within: Discovery and Recovery for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families.

 

 

Words

Remember in EAT, PRAY, LOVE, when Liz is talking about how she doesn't think she can live in Rome forever, and Guilio explains to her how every city has a word and if that word doesn't resonate with you, then it's not your home.  (Something like that.  My book is on the floor and I'm too lazy to reach down and get it.  God, I hope LAZY is not my word.)

Guilio tells her that Rome's word is SEX, and Liz is not feeling it,  even though she bought all that lingerie!  They try to determine the words of other cities.  New York:  Achieve.  Los Angeles:  Succeed.  (Liz points out that there is a subtle difference between these two words.  I agree.)  Naples:  Fight.

He then asks, "What was the word in your family when you were growing up?"  She comes up with two words:  FRUGAL and IRREVERENT.

This got me thinking about my family's word when I was a child.  It must have been  SURVIVE. 

We all had our heads down trying to make it through the damn day.  We didn't much notice each other, really. 

Except when we were fighting.

Then Liz tries to figure out what her word is.  She contemplates several that are definitely NOT her word:  MARRIAGE, FAMILY. 

She says, "It's not DEPRESSION anymore, thank heavens."  She also decides that her word is not CONFORM or ACHIEVE.

She contemplates what her word might be:  SEEK, maybe.  Or HIDE.  Or PLEASURE.  Or DEVOTION.

The other night I picked up EAT, PRAY, LOVE again and just flipped it open and started reading.  I landed on the pages about words, and my mind has been percolating WORDS since then.

And, like Liz, I started with words that most definitely are not my word:  WIFE.   MOTHER. 

ENERGY  is not my word at the moment either. 

It's definitely not CONTENT.

Right now, at this time in my life, what is my word?  Hmmmm?

I consider the word LONGING, and I think that might be it. 

Or maybe it's QUESTION. 

Could be COMPASSION.

Or even GRACE.

But more than GRACE,  MERCY.

Or possibly LISTEN.

Just might be GENEROUS.

I'm not sure just yet. 

And, really, do I only get to choose one?

I grew up in Houston.  The word there is STIFLING. That's why I had to leave. (Of course that choice is my projection.  I wonder what Houston's word really is?)

The word in Pasadena is FREEDOM, and that's why I've been able to live here for nearly 20 years.  (Individual projection here, too.  Perhaps Pasadena's real word is GARDEN.  You know, with the Rose Parade and all.)

My word just may be PURSUIT, as in the PURSUIT of FREEDOM.

But I think it's COMPASSION.  Yeah, maybe that's it.

What is your word?

Your city's word?

Your family's word when you were a kid?

I'm looking at

Today, I started reading Natalie Goldberg's book Old Friend from Far Away:  The Practice of Writing Memoir.  The first exercise asked me to write in response to "I'm looking at" for 10 minutes.

Here's my response (unedited).

I’m looking at Tammy in her long, red trench coat as she navigates her way to the counter at the coffee shop.  Her cane popping against the baseboard as Tim and Julie beckon her in, “Keep coming,” Tim says from behind the counter. 

Tammy asks, “What kind of scones do you have today?” 

Julie responds, “I saved you a blueberry.  They are making you a chocolate chip for Thursday.” 

Tammy asks, “Do you have a raspberry one, too?”

Julie bends down and ducks behind the counter to check.  “Yes.” She says, “We do.” 

Tammy asks, “Do I have enough money to get one?” handing the bills over to Julie who counts them and announces, “Yes. You do.  You have 8 one dollar bills.”
 
Tammy says, “I want to buy the raspberry for my roommate.”

Julie says, “The blueberry one has the rubber band around the bag.  The raspberry one does not.”

Julie gives her the change by placing it into her wallet and says, “I’ve written a note for them to make you a chocolate chip scone for Thursday.”

(I’m looking at how much Tammy trusts Julie to tell her the truth because she can’t see for herself how many bills there are.)

Tammy says, “Why thank you.  You are such a sweetheart.”
 
Tammy doesn’t apologize for not being able to see.  She depends on others to help her do what she cannot.
 
There is utter joy in her voice over her purchases. 

Her face, with eyes sown shut, reveals her delight about the scones in her bag. 

I envy such simplicity, and yet her life is anything but simple.

Julie makes her way around the counter and stands next to Tammy. 

Tammy grabs Julie’s elbow and they walk toward the door, and I begin to cry at this genuine exchange of care and attention to detail.
 
If only we could all have someone to help us see the details, the ones we can’t see because of our own “blindness.”
 
“Do you know of anyone who loves me?” I write (indirectly) in a litany of emails to B. today.

B. responds at the end of her email, “You are loved.”

What about Thursday? Will I be still be loved on Thursday?

I’m writing a note to remind God to let you know you are still loved this Thursday, I imagine her response, as she steps through the internet all the way from Canada to walk me in the direction toward “home.”

You are loved, even though you are blind and can’t see it. You are.

“Smile?  Just a bit?  A small one?”

And I do smile because B. reminds me that I can.

Still I Rise

My awesome friend, Christina, sent me this poem this morning!  It's one of my very favorites, and I thought it apropos to post it today! 

Still I Rise


You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

Maya Angelou

BTW, Have you read Maya Angelou's 4 volume autobiography?  It begins with I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings and is followed by  Gather Together in My Name (1974), Singin' and Swingin' and Gettin' Merry Like Christmas (1976), and The Heart of a Woman (1981). 

These books changed my life!  After reading the first one, I read them straight through.  I couldn't put them down.  She is the first author about whom I remember thinking, "She told the truth.  No one else can expose the skeletons in her closet.  She opened the damn door for us all to look in."

Later she wrote two more volumes:

All God's Children Need Traveling Shoes (1986), and A Song Flung Up To Heaven (2002).

Meet my awesome friend, Christina

Christina and I live too far apart (about a 45 minute drive on a good day), and our schedules only allow us to see each other a few times a year!  We are both extremely busy teachers! 

A few weeks ago, I drove out her way, and we went to  lunch and to see THE SECRET LIFE OF BEES!

When I arrived at her house, she was donning herself with political pins and stickers.  This is what I LOVE MOST ABOUT CHRISTINA -- her willingness to speak up for what she believes in.  She has been working the phone banks and participating in rallies in her area for weeks.  She is one of the most proactive people I know!

(This election is so important to her and to me, that I seriously doubt she'll mind my sharing her photo here.  Hi, Christina!)

We share the same political views (much to the dismay of my more conservative friends and family members and hers too, I'm sure).

After she was all decked out, I asked if she had any stickers for me.  She, of course, did!

As walking billboards for change,  for equal rights for all (we are not for discrimination against anyone), and for the protection of pregnant teenagers, we headed out to lunch at PF Changs.

Our conversation was REFRESHING and stimulating and thoughtful, and it was a relief to spend the afternoon with a like-minded friend.

I introduce Christina to you because the election is tomorrow, and she is a  high school history teacher. She would be quick to remind us of the time when women and black people could not vote in our country.  She would also be quick to impress upon us our civic duty and our right to a voice in our democracy. 

So, we MUST make sure we are heard tomorrow! 

Let's go out and vote!